The whole kit & doodle!

This is unexpected

I suppose I should not be surprised, and yet, I find that I am. I realized earlier this evening that I am feeling more than a little angry that no one seems to be looking for me. Yes, I realize this completely conflicts with my stated stance that I'm not even sure I want to find my birth family. I'm a mass of contradictions about this whole thing, it seems. One moment, I manage to convince myself that I am indifferent about the outcome of this process. "What will be will be." The next, I am caught up in the stories of other people, and imagining what my own story might look like once I've reached the end. I think all of these adoption websites are having a bad influence on me. LOL

I have to say how fortunate I am to have my husband. I may be a mass of contradictions, but he is steadfastly supportive of me, even while I'm in the midst changing my mind. I've no idea why he puts up with this from me! But I'm certainly glad he does. He is incredible. We have this amazing connection with each other. Given the instability I've experienced through most of my life, my marriage constantly surprises me. Tonight, I had to run into the grocery store to pick up a few items. I'd asked him if he needed anything, he said no. So as I'm walking through the aisles, I ended up in the stationary section and for some reason, picked up a pack of mechanical pencils, thinking I'd use them for the little houses I draw.

We get home and I'm putting away my purchases when I pull out the pencils. I tossed them to him and said, "Here, you asked for these, right?" He smiled and said, "Not out loud I didn't." That kind of thing happens with us all the time.

It makes me wonder if this is something special between he and I, or if this is something that many in my birth family seem to experience.

That's always a question, isn't it? "Is this just me, or is this something I got from…"

Music. Music I know I got from my birth father. According to my non-id, my birth father was musically talented. As I recall, he either taught music at the college level or graduated from a music college. I'll know more when I get a new copy of the non-id and can review it again. Oddly enough, I remember when I was little and still working hard at my music, my adoptive father always wanted to take credit for it. "She gets that from me. I used to play piano." Sorry, old man, that didn't come from you. No, what came from you was a low self-esteem and very little recognition of my having any inherent value in existing. Quite the legacy.

Fortunately, with the love of my husband, I've begun getting over that. As you can tell, I'm not there yet. Baby steps.

The more I write, the more I realize how messed up my thinking is. The more I realize how deeply some of this goes. So deep that I often don't know what I'm feeling, or maybe so deep that the reason my feelings seem so inconsistent is because I'm working through layers. Somewhere at the bottom maybe I'll discover how I really feel. I don't even know most of the time.

If anyone does read any of this, please don't take anything I say as an absolute, even if it seems I'm saying something absolutely. I think the only thing I can say that is 100% accurate all the time is, "I Love My Husband." Everything else is subject to change on a moments notice.

You've been warned. LOL


December 13, 2005 - Posted by | Adoption Rants, Adoption Void

1 Comment »

  1. “The more I write, the more I realize how messed up my thinking is.”

    If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been thinking this exact same thing all day long. I have to say, I hadn’t read adoption blogs or forums until this week, and it is so amazing to read things that other people write that I have been thinking. It is almost like we’re our own kind of family = ) Thanks for blogging, I’ll be following yours, and thanks for the link to mine!

    Comment by everyscarisabridge | January 6, 2006 | Reply

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