Heartened

The whole kit & doodle!

Any time now

Guess what today is? Today is Monday. Ask me how I made it to Monday with my sanity intact. I'll tell you I don't know. Ask me why making it to Monday was so important.

I'll answer, "Because today, my information from the IARMIE should arrive at my friend A's house. If he overnights it to me, it should be in my hands tomorrow or Wednesday. On the surface, this may not seem particularly significant, but there's something you maybe don't know – not only will the information sent to me from IARMIE contain details of my life I didn't know before – like what hospital I was born in – but if another member of my birth family registered looking for me, I'll find that out as well.

It also means (assuming they've registered) they have been notified about my registration. It means (assuming they've registered) they'll get my contact information. And because I have to wait for my friend to overnight the letter to me, it means (assuming they've registered) they'll know about me before I know about them.

I've been trying to focus on other things, trying to keep busy. In the back of my mind has been this thought, though, "my phone could ring at any time."

Of course, I am equally afraid that my phone won't ring. I'm equally afraid that no one has registered. Which means I have this completely weird mixture of fear and hope bouncing around inside my head. Friday morning I was in quite a panic. The implications of all this suddenly hit me really hard. I ended up spending 3 1/2 hours on the phone with my friend B – thank God she was around to distract me and calm me down. She is also an adoptee and, while every situation is different, she still "gets" it.

I almost told my father-in-law about all this last night. My husband's grandmother is in the hospital and she isn't doing very well. Gramma and I are very close, we have been since I first met her. She is "my Gramma" in every way that matters. We spent the afternoon at the hospital with her and my father-in-law. I was a bit upset that the hospital couldn't give her the time and attention she needs. I don't blame them, they are understaffed and overworked. But I still need "my Gramma" to be taken care of, so I was changing a dressing on a wound she has on her arm, filing her nails, trying to give her some dignity. Dinner time came and my father-in-law and I took turns helping her eat her dinner. We wanted to take dad out for dinner after visiting hours, but he was planning on meeting a friend so instead, he took us and his friend out. We had a really nice meal, good conversation. At one point dad said to his friend something along the lines of, "As she (meaning 'me') was taking care of my mom, I was thinking about the fact that in about 25 years, she'll (me) be doing the same for me (him)." He's right, if and when the time comes, I will do the same for him. Whatever it takes to make sure he feels he is being treated with the dignity, love and respect he deserves – I'll do it. Yesterday felt like a real bonding moment for us. Don't misunderstand, my father-in-law has always welcomed me as part of the family. But I think until yesterday, I was "his son's wife" more than I was "his daughter-in-law." Do you feel the difference in those two phrases? It is subtle, but it's there.

It makes me want to share some of this with him, to let him in to this part of my life. I think if his friend had not been at dinner with us, I probably would have. It wasn't something I was prepared to discuss with them there. (Not that there was anything 'wrong' with his friend – very nice individual with whom we got along very well!) But dad is "forever family" because his son is my "forever family," so that's different. That makes it safe to share with him – but not something I want to share with someone who may just be transient in our lives. Which is incredibly funny considering I don't even know most of you who read this! LOL But I'm sure you understand what I mean.

So anyway, today is Monday. I don't know what this week is going to bring, but I'm looking forward to it with some excitement and some trepidation. At least it will be interesting and educational. I know that at the very least, I'll have another piece of my history – and that is no small thing.

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January 23, 2006 - Posted by | Adoption Void

2 Comments »

  1. I will be wishing and hoping that she has registered, but, if she hasn’t please don’t attach much significance to it. All it means if she hasn’t is that she may still be in the closet as I was – and not told anyone, or many people at least.

    Birth mothers are cautioned and warned not to search, register or take any action to find their children. I did nothing – no registering or searching. Not become I don’t love my son dearly, cause I do, but frankly, I just didn’t know any better. Did not know I had the right or that he would want to know me.

    I know quite a few birth moms like myself who were found. Were we shocked?? Heck yes! Did we want to know our children? Absolutely! Getting to know my son and having a relation with him has been one of the best experiences of my lifetime (and I am not young).

    I hope that she is able to welcome you with open arms soon!

    Comment by Cookie | January 23, 2006 | Reply

  2. I’ve read your posts on the adoption forums and followed your link to read your blog. I’m the mother of a son; he was born when I was 17 and I was unable to raise him because my parents wouldn’t let me bring him home with me.

    I found his listing on a website and contacted him a year and a half ago. I’ve had some problems in trying to figure out why he was like he was. LOL Now I just let him be whatever… I’ll get to know the man he is eventually as long as we stay in touch.

    I want you to know that I have a deeper understanding of how he might be feeling – or not – from reading your blog and want to thank you for your writings.

    Good luck in your search. I hope your family appreciates their good fortune. It’s not a journey for the weak-willed on either side.

    Comment by Anonymous | January 24, 2006 | Reply


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