Heartened

The whole kit & doodle!

Were you there?

When I had that dream, him sitting on the bench, wearing that hat, in the towering halls – were you there, showing me what would be?

On the day I first met him, when I couldn’t help but think how cute he was – were you there, smiling, waiting to see if I would remember?

When one arm went left and the other went forward before impact – were you there, keeping me safe, protecting me as I protected them?

When they stopped and took me with them – were you there, calming my fears, keeping me steady?

When I got on the bus – were you there, knowing where it would lead?

When I pretended I was in pain so he wouldn’t touch me – were you there, helping him believe my lie, keeping me safe?

When she talked me into moving – were you there, guiding my steps, calling me home to where you began life?

When I saw him again and thought “this will never be” – were you there, knowing some day she would stand beside me at our wedding?

When we talked about why it would never work – were you there, chuckling silently, knowing what we did not yet know?

When I went home with him – were you there, knowing as Linda knew where this would lead?

When he knelt on the bed and asked me to share my life with him – were you there, smiling your approval?

When he brought out “that hat” – were you there, giggling about the beautiful trick you had played with my dreams and his reality?

When the towers fell – did you help me stay asleep just a few minutes more, trying to spare me the fear and pain I would find on the phone and TV?

When I married him among family and friends – were you there, hidden in a beam of sunlight, knowing why we were giggling after he raised my veil?

When he danced with his mom to (click to hear the song)“Its your song” – were you there, wishing you could dance, too?

When I finally wrote (again) for my non-id and sent in my registry information – were you there, waiting anxiously to see if I could put it all together?

When I sat here all those endless nights, pouring through databases – were you there, trying to point me to the missing link?

When I went to the library and felt such disappointment about the marriage records – were you there, encouraging me to keep going?

When I was almost hopeless, sitting here late last Wednesday night, plugging your name into every site I could find – were you there, nudging me to click the link for C’s
page?

When I was so nervous on Thursday, trying to work up the courage to call J – were you there, giving me strength?

When I stumbled at the beginning of the call – were you there, urging patience on J?

As J and I talked, sharing and comparing notes – were you there, listening, saying “that’s my girls, keep going”?

When R called for the first time, and each time after – have you been there, listening, smiling that your daughter has come home, celebrating the friendship R and I share beyond our siblingship?

Are you with us, mom? Are you smiling? Are you happy to see your daughters all coming together so well? Are you hopeful? Are you pleased? Did you dream this could happen? Did you hope?

I want to believe you’ve been with me and with us, mom. I want to believe that you have stood beside me, watching and waiting. I want to believe you had a hand in my search.

I wish you had been there for all of this and so much more. I choose to believe that you have been here all along.

Like the song says:

It was your life that shined
Guiding my heart to find
This place where I belonged
It was your song

I found it, mom. Thanks for helping me find my way home.

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March 22, 2006 - Posted by | Adoption Void

3 Comments »

  1. cool blog i like it

    Comment by Stephanie | March 22, 2006 | Reply

  2. ((((((hug)))))))

    Comment by Mia | March 24, 2006 | Reply

  3. Got me misty on that one…sniff

    Comment by FauxClaud | March 25, 2006 | Reply


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